Wednesday, December 30, 2009
My New Year's Resolution
Right now it is my goal to work on posting (at the very least) weekly on this blog. Wish me luck.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I suck at 29
Reasons why I am a 3 at being 29...
I don't have kids
I don't want kids yet
I don't own a house
I'm not married
I can't afford my student loans
I own concert posters not expensive art
I have never been to Hawaii
I curse like a trucker
South park still makes me laugh so hard I snort
The thought of "settling down" makes my eye twitch
I still call people snotty pants bitch face
I make up names for people based on their flaws
I don't have a financial planner
Saving for a tatoo is more important then saving for retirement
My idea of a vacation is getting drunk in Vegas
I have more beer than water in my fridge
I have not had a boob job or a tummy tuck
I still buy furniture on craigslist
My life centers around myspace and facebook
I'm a three not a five people!
I don't have kids
I don't want kids yet
I don't own a house
I'm not married
I can't afford my student loans
I own concert posters not expensive art
I have never been to Hawaii
I curse like a trucker
South park still makes me laugh so hard I snort
The thought of "settling down" makes my eye twitch
I still call people snotty pants bitch face
I make up names for people based on their flaws
I don't have a financial planner
Saving for a tatoo is more important then saving for retirement
My idea of a vacation is getting drunk in Vegas
I have more beer than water in my fridge
I have not had a boob job or a tummy tuck
I still buy furniture on craigslist
My life centers around myspace and facebook
I'm a three not a five people!
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Visualize This...
Visualize this…
I love spinning class. Really, I do love it. It’s a lot of work. It kicks my ass. And the group effort makes it more fun the pounding the elliptical. With that said, I am a three, not a five when it comes to the visualization aspect. A number of instructors will set up different “rides” for each class. One of them is the all terrain ride. This usually entails, some flat road sections, rolling hills, sprints, steep hills, and descents. In short, it is the little taste of everything type of ride. That part I can get behind. Some of the instructors like to do some guided imagery along the way and really want to you to visualize the ride. They will say things like, “look to your left, see the ocean crashing in and feel the wind on your cheek.” Um sorry, I just heard the lady next to me fart, how is that anything like the ocean? Wind was involved but not the kind I want near my cheek. So as a treat to you hear are some of the random things that crept into my brain while in spinning class Monday morning…
“ok, pick up these last few moments on the flat road and really charge that upcoming him”
Hmm all I see ahead of me is my fat ass on a bike, think, think, ooh I see a hill I got it…hmm it smells oddly like bacon in here. Mmm bacon
“push it push it”
I’d like to push you off the imaginary hill I’m biking right now. Unfortunately I can’t even visualize the hill let alone push you off of it
“look for the crest of the hill, pedal toward to sun on the other side”
Wow I will did get a lot of sun this weekend. Crap the weekend is over. Did I get any chores around the house done? I still have all that unpacking to do and I never touched it
“Okay now its time to sprint down the other side”
I’m fat, sprint plus me do not go well together. What’s on the other side…A dunkin donuts? Starbucks? Anything?
“All right up and out of the saddle, standing hill climb up the Pacific Coast highway”
Saddle? My saddle is sore. Standing hill climb is funny, doesn’t really sound like you’re going to get anywhere does it? Hmm what resistance is she at…it looks pretty high up there. God why am I such a lazy tard, she’s twice my age and I can barely survive. Hmmm survivor? When does the next one start? Why is the theme song of Survivor not written by survivor? Survivor rocks my face off. Hmmm I haven’t watched face off in a long time. That really was a good movie. Ooh and I still haven’t seen Transformers yet. How the hell did that happen. Oh yeah Jonathan lost his phone. Still feel bad about that … but one should know where they put their phone…ooh speaking of my phone I’m on call starting tonight…oh shit what am I supposed to be doing right now.
As I look up there I am peddling my ass off and the entire class is cooling down. Apparently the visualization ended at the top of the hill so we could admire the sunrise. Oh well, I’m a three not a five.
I love spinning class. Really, I do love it. It’s a lot of work. It kicks my ass. And the group effort makes it more fun the pounding the elliptical. With that said, I am a three, not a five when it comes to the visualization aspect. A number of instructors will set up different “rides” for each class. One of them is the all terrain ride. This usually entails, some flat road sections, rolling hills, sprints, steep hills, and descents. In short, it is the little taste of everything type of ride. That part I can get behind. Some of the instructors like to do some guided imagery along the way and really want to you to visualize the ride. They will say things like, “look to your left, see the ocean crashing in and feel the wind on your cheek.” Um sorry, I just heard the lady next to me fart, how is that anything like the ocean? Wind was involved but not the kind I want near my cheek. So as a treat to you hear are some of the random things that crept into my brain while in spinning class Monday morning…
“ok, pick up these last few moments on the flat road and really charge that upcoming him”
Hmm all I see ahead of me is my fat ass on a bike, think, think, ooh I see a hill I got it…hmm it smells oddly like bacon in here. Mmm bacon
“push it push it”
I’d like to push you off the imaginary hill I’m biking right now. Unfortunately I can’t even visualize the hill let alone push you off of it
“look for the crest of the hill, pedal toward to sun on the other side”
Wow I will did get a lot of sun this weekend. Crap the weekend is over. Did I get any chores around the house done? I still have all that unpacking to do and I never touched it
“Okay now its time to sprint down the other side”
I’m fat, sprint plus me do not go well together. What’s on the other side…A dunkin donuts? Starbucks? Anything?
“All right up and out of the saddle, standing hill climb up the Pacific Coast highway”
Saddle? My saddle is sore. Standing hill climb is funny, doesn’t really sound like you’re going to get anywhere does it? Hmm what resistance is she at…it looks pretty high up there. God why am I such a lazy tard, she’s twice my age and I can barely survive. Hmmm survivor? When does the next one start? Why is the theme song of Survivor not written by survivor? Survivor rocks my face off. Hmmm I haven’t watched face off in a long time. That really was a good movie. Ooh and I still haven’t seen Transformers yet. How the hell did that happen. Oh yeah Jonathan lost his phone. Still feel bad about that … but one should know where they put their phone…ooh speaking of my phone I’m on call starting tonight…oh shit what am I supposed to be doing right now.
As I look up there I am peddling my ass off and the entire class is cooling down. Apparently the visualization ended at the top of the hill so we could admire the sunrise. Oh well, I’m a three not a five.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Confessions part 1
Confessions of a $30,000 Millionaire
When making a list of wants and needs the needs column is about 2 pages long, but the wants column only has money listed in it. When it comes to financial savvy I am definitely a three; maybe even a two at this point. Living outside my means is a lifestyle I perfected throughout the last 11 years of my adult life. I bought an Xterra this January when I had a perfectly good Altima with only one year left to pay. Instead, I wanted some new (to me) and shiny so I am now stuck with 5 more years of payments. There was nothing really wrong with the Altima. Sure it had over 100,000 miles on it, but it was running well and I had an extended warrantee on it. I was just bored with it and wanted something different. In retrospect I think that is why I am in the financial situation I am. Really, I could be worse but it is bad to say the least. I have contemplated getting a second job but the only thing I can think of is becoming a writer. I like to write, I think I’m good at it (sometimes) but I have no concept of timelines. My idolize Jen Lancaster because she writes like I think and I talk. Ask my friends, they were like, “OMG is that really you using a pen name” (seriously they said O-M-G). But I can’t write a book in her style because that would be ripping her off and I can’t do that to my idol. So what do I write? I’m writing this blog because I like to share my outlook on the world with others. But seriously, what can a girl (who owns 24 pairs of flippy floppies) do to make some money. Perhaps prostitution…nah one must (somewhat) enjoy sex, not be allergic to latex (those non-latex one are expensive little shits), and not be paranoid that she is going to get caught (my heart pounds when I make a rolling stop people). I could go back to working retail again but that means I need to be super nice to people and as I get older its getting ten times harder to do that. There is a Kohl’s right across from my apartment. I could walk there thus not having to spend my extra paycheck on gas alone. But I’m still fat and sweat when I walk. It’s a 110 in Phoenix and walking one block is detrimental to my wardrobe. So here I sit on a Sunday afternoon sweating my ass off at the pool because I don’t have internet yet contemplating second jobs. I guess the easiest solution is to just stop spending, but screw that, I’m a 5 when it comes to shopping.
When making a list of wants and needs the needs column is about 2 pages long, but the wants column only has money listed in it. When it comes to financial savvy I am definitely a three; maybe even a two at this point. Living outside my means is a lifestyle I perfected throughout the last 11 years of my adult life. I bought an Xterra this January when I had a perfectly good Altima with only one year left to pay. Instead, I wanted some new (to me) and shiny so I am now stuck with 5 more years of payments. There was nothing really wrong with the Altima. Sure it had over 100,000 miles on it, but it was running well and I had an extended warrantee on it. I was just bored with it and wanted something different. In retrospect I think that is why I am in the financial situation I am. Really, I could be worse but it is bad to say the least. I have contemplated getting a second job but the only thing I can think of is becoming a writer. I like to write, I think I’m good at it (sometimes) but I have no concept of timelines. My idolize Jen Lancaster because she writes like I think and I talk. Ask my friends, they were like, “OMG is that really you using a pen name” (seriously they said O-M-G). But I can’t write a book in her style because that would be ripping her off and I can’t do that to my idol. So what do I write? I’m writing this blog because I like to share my outlook on the world with others. But seriously, what can a girl (who owns 24 pairs of flippy floppies) do to make some money. Perhaps prostitution…nah one must (somewhat) enjoy sex, not be allergic to latex (those non-latex one are expensive little shits), and not be paranoid that she is going to get caught (my heart pounds when I make a rolling stop people). I could go back to working retail again but that means I need to be super nice to people and as I get older its getting ten times harder to do that. There is a Kohl’s right across from my apartment. I could walk there thus not having to spend my extra paycheck on gas alone. But I’m still fat and sweat when I walk. It’s a 110 in Phoenix and walking one block is detrimental to my wardrobe. So here I sit on a Sunday afternoon sweating my ass off at the pool because I don’t have internet yet contemplating second jobs. I guess the easiest solution is to just stop spending, but screw that, I’m a 5 when it comes to shopping.
an oldie but so good
My Top Ten Gym Blunders
10. Farting while doing sit ups
9. Breaking the elastic tubing which then left a fan-fucking-tastic mark all the way up my legs
8. Ripping my shorts while trying to walk between two weight machines. Apparently my ass is much larger then it appears in my head when sizing up spaces to walk through
7. The sound of my pooch fat slapping around as I’m doing jumping jacks
6. Tripping over the corner of the treadmill because my trainer thinks 6am is a good time to work out
5. Belching, then puking up my entire protein shake while in the down dog position in yoga class
4. Turning the wrong direction in cardio kick box class and landing a round house square in the face of the skinny blond chick next to me (it felt damn good though she annoyed me)
3. Saying excuse me sir to a woman that was so bulked up I swear she had testicles. (note to self always look for a package in determining gender at the gym. Boobs are not reliable)
2. Breaking yet another elastic tube this time slapping my trainer in the face and breaking his nose.
1. Attempting a box jump (2 Reebok boxes on top of each other) while be spotted by my trainer. I jumped up, I thought I landed, and then the top box slid one way, the bottom boxed slid the other way, and I came tumbling down. Needless to say my session for that day and that week was over.
10. Farting while doing sit ups
9. Breaking the elastic tubing which then left a fan-fucking-tastic mark all the way up my legs
8. Ripping my shorts while trying to walk between two weight machines. Apparently my ass is much larger then it appears in my head when sizing up spaces to walk through
7. The sound of my pooch fat slapping around as I’m doing jumping jacks
6. Tripping over the corner of the treadmill because my trainer thinks 6am is a good time to work out
5. Belching, then puking up my entire protein shake while in the down dog position in yoga class
4. Turning the wrong direction in cardio kick box class and landing a round house square in the face of the skinny blond chick next to me (it felt damn good though she annoyed me)
3. Saying excuse me sir to a woman that was so bulked up I swear she had testicles. (note to self always look for a package in determining gender at the gym. Boobs are not reliable)
2. Breaking yet another elastic tube this time slapping my trainer in the face and breaking his nose.
1. Attempting a box jump (2 Reebok boxes on top of each other) while be spotted by my trainer. I jumped up, I thought I landed, and then the top box slid one way, the bottom boxed slid the other way, and I came tumbling down. Needless to say my session for that day and that week was over.
Monday, June 1, 2009
A new hole in my nose
I know it has been awhile since I posted so here goes…My latest adventure has been getting my nose pierced. Back in January I decided that I would set this a “reward” for losing my first 20-25 pounds. I decided (on only four hours of sleep) that yesterday would be the day. Instead of accomplishing this task first on my long list of things to do I decided to go to Walmart first. It doesn’t seem like that this would be an issue except for the fact that the whole reason I was going to Walmart was to buy pork shoulder in order to make Chilie Verde. After purchasing items high on the spoil gauge I then opted to get my nose pierce. It took me 20 minutes of driving to settle on Club Tattoo as the place to go. I walk into the nicest tattoo shop EVER! It looked like a boutique. Headrick, yes his name was Headrick, took me back and got me set up. One thing people who have their nosed pierced fail to mention is that they make you smile 800 times so they can place the piercing in an aesthetically pleasing location. So I’m sitting there smiling like a dumbass while a guy named Headrick draws pencil marks on my nose. He had an apprentice with him so he was explaining the whole process. Then both of them looked up my nose. Did I mention that the table I was sitting on looked very similar to the one at by OB-GYN with out the stirrups (perhaps they were hiding in the closet). So I they leaned be back, told me to start going to my “place” to prepare for the upcoming unpleasant. Really? I have 11 tattoos one of which took four hours. Any who, I start my Zen breathing that I learned in Yoga and Headrick asked me to take a deep breath and then take long exhale. Upon exhaling there was a pinch in my nose and it was over. The actual piercing doesn’t hurt. What’s annoying is the piercing needle sticking out of my nose while they get the jewelry situated. So I’m laying there with what feels like a huge spike sticking out of my nostril. Eventually the jewelry is in place and all is well. Headrick tells me to take my time sitting up so I don’t pass out. He also mentions that some people have watery eyes afterwards and provided a tissue (so chivalrous). As I sat up he said I was a model client. No watery eyes and no flinching. I am officially a 5 at getting body piercings. After paying for my new accessory I triumphantly walk out the front door. I am no more than 18 inches out the door when I trip on the curb in front of my truck. Sensing horrific embarrassment I turn the free fall into a slight jog. Unfortunately Kimberlee has already seen this and is bent over laughing. So to recap…I am a five at getting pierced and a 3 when it comes to walking. Such is my life
On a side note, Kimberlee is a three at taking pictures because as soon as we got in the truck she wanted to take a picture of me and promptly ran her head into the review mirror.
On a side note, Kimberlee is a three at taking pictures because as soon as we got in the truck she wanted to take a picture of me and promptly ran her head into the review mirror.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Dear Starbucks
I will elaborate on my earlier tweet...
Dear Starbucks,
Last time I checked, you introduced the Frappucinno Light as a low cal, low fat alternative to the jiggly thigh enducing original. This is fine and good and I appreciate the fact that my waist line is of upmost concern to you. One of the major differences (other than fat and calories that is) is that there is no whip cream. Now I, like most god fearing Americans, am a sucker for some whip cream topping. Luckily the said Frappaccino light does not come with whip cream as an option so I was good to go. But today, your lovely barista (or is it baristo since it was a boy) graciously took my order for a Grande Frappuccino Light. Once he finished creating my own little slice of heaven in a cup he asked....drum roll please.....cue tympani....he asked "Would you like Whip cream on that?" Don't. Ever. Ask. A. Three. Not. A. Five. That. Question. Do you think that I ordered the light version because it's the cool things to do and all the desperate housewives of orango county are having one. No, I ordered it because I still want phenomincal cosmic Caramel power in an itty bitty caloric count drink. Do I want whip cream on that? Reall? "Yes Please" I'm a three not a five Starbucks. Please don't ask me these things.
Sincerely,
The fat cells in my left ass cheek
Dear Starbucks,
Last time I checked, you introduced the Frappucinno Light as a low cal, low fat alternative to the jiggly thigh enducing original. This is fine and good and I appreciate the fact that my waist line is of upmost concern to you. One of the major differences (other than fat and calories that is) is that there is no whip cream. Now I, like most god fearing Americans, am a sucker for some whip cream topping. Luckily the said Frappaccino light does not come with whip cream as an option so I was good to go. But today, your lovely barista (or is it baristo since it was a boy) graciously took my order for a Grande Frappuccino Light. Once he finished creating my own little slice of heaven in a cup he asked....drum roll please.....cue tympani....he asked "Would you like Whip cream on that?" Don't. Ever. Ask. A. Three. Not. A. Five. That. Question. Do you think that I ordered the light version because it's the cool things to do and all the desperate housewives of orango county are having one. No, I ordered it because I still want phenomincal cosmic Caramel power in an itty bitty caloric count drink. Do I want whip cream on that? Reall? "Yes Please" I'm a three not a five Starbucks. Please don't ask me these things.
Sincerely,
The fat cells in my left ass cheek
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Bear Patrol
So, many of you know that I went camping last weekend and by camping I don’t mean KOA camping. I mean backwoods, dig your own toilet, hang your garbage in a tree type of camping. While preparing for said camping trip, I pondered on buying some bear repellant. Now bears are a bit lower on my “deathly afraid of” scale but they do fall right behind flying, snakes, rats, and open water. They are followed by earthquakes which I’ll get to that a little later… Apparently bear repellant is rather expensive, say $50 expensive. I know my philosophy is well established that I am a three not a five in life, but this is one area where I would be willing and able to go above my expectations and do everything I can to hold off a bear. So I committed to buying bear repellant despite the mocking of my camping partner and most anyone I talked. Unfortunately I am also lazy and by the time I was done shopping at Walmart I had no energy to brave Bass Pro Shops and be mocked there. So in terms of Bear protection I am still a three (yes I did hang my garbage from the tree). Although, I did have an elk stumble into my campsite so perhaps that is some karma for not being a five…
Monday, May 18, 2009
Apparently
I guess when it comes to blogging, I'm a three not a five as well. But that can also be attributed to the fact that they don't have internet in the middle of the fricking woods. That is where I spent my weekend. I was trying to be a "5" camper by being prepared. But, I forgot the sleeping bags and Bear repellant was too expensive so I got the sleeping bags at Walmart and hoped my stench would keep the bears away. I am alive so apparently it worked.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Thighs Part 1
I have always been well aware of the fact that my thighs are big. I have accepted the fact that they will always touch. My body is made up in such a way that I will never have thighs that have a gap in between them. Actually I think my thigh my fit in the gap of some of the girls I know. With that said, I always take the proper precautions when it comes to running. I will usually wear Capri pants, compression shorts under other shorts, or bike shorts under shorts. So when I went to the gym last night I didn’t think twice about what I was wearing (blue bike shorts, under some running shorts). Apparently my shorts were a three not a five because throughout my run the running shorts managed to become full on bunners (come on you remember those from volleyball team). No matter how often or forcefully pulled them down they would keep running up my leg. I tried to keep moving but I really should have stopped. Thanks to my thighs and my sometimes there motivation I know have lovely red spots on my thigh. Further proof that I should really tone it down to a three when exercising.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
My work ethic
Look at what I saw on the way home from work. That is Obama's cargo plane that carries his limo and other motorcade vehicles. Yep I work by the airport, lucky me when the prez comes to town in the middle of rush hour. What time did I take that picture? Um, 4:15pm. I'm a three not a five people.
Or perhaps this doesn't help either
So this was taken a couple weeks ago at the Ren Fest. How can I resist eating a Turkey leg. This is the best food group ever. No utensils required, grab on for dear live and dig in. It's portable and tasty. Turkey's healthy right????? I'm a three
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
perhaps
Perhaps being a three when it comes to weight watchers is why it's taking so long to lose weight....These don't help, again, I'm a three
I'm a three not a five
Just a brief introduction to my blog....I admit that I am a three not a five. What does this mean? Simple. I can related it best to those performance evaluations you get at your job. Most of the time the eval's rate you on a scale of 1 to 5 with the following meanings
1: Does not meet expectations
2: Minimally meets expectations
3: Meets expectations
4: Above expectations
5: Consistently exceeds expectation
or in layman's terms
1: You suck
2: You sometimes suck
3: Coasting by
4: You rock
5: You suck...AKA You lips are major fixture on most people's rear ends... AKA DDS (Develop, Deploy, Suck up) syndrome. Yep that's what DDS means
Here's the thing. Does your company or any company that you know of actually give out a 5? I bet its hard pressed to find someone who is given a 5. But what above those of you who bust your ass trying to please everyone, meet your deadlines, and be a happy team player? Did you get a 5 on your eval? Doubtful right. You probably put forth tons of effort working after hours and not claiming the overtime but still you are rated a 3. Why you ask? The usual response is so that you have something to strive for and they can put this as a goal in your eval. Screw that, you HAVE been striving for that stupid asshat. I don't need goals I need a fricking raise and some recognition. But still you have your three and thankful you even have that in this economy right? So I say if you are rated a three start acting like a three. If your rating doesn't reflect the four or five that you are, you have my permission be a three not a five. Show them what a three looks like. Meet every single one of your expectations but don't you dare exceed it. So in short that is how I choose to live in most aspects of my life. I simply live to meet expectations, due the bare minimum, and to coast through life. So I hope you enjoy the blog. I truly hope I meet your expectations. If I start to exceed them, please let me know. After all I'm only a three.
p.s. My spelling and grammar suck because I'm a three not a five. Deal with it
1: Does not meet expectations
2: Minimally meets expectations
3: Meets expectations
4: Above expectations
5: Consistently exceeds expectation
or in layman's terms
1: You suck
2: You sometimes suck
3: Coasting by
4: You rock
5: You suck...AKA You lips are major fixture on most people's rear ends... AKA DDS (Develop, Deploy, Suck up) syndrome. Yep that's what DDS means
Here's the thing. Does your company or any company that you know of actually give out a 5? I bet its hard pressed to find someone who is given a 5. But what above those of you who bust your ass trying to please everyone, meet your deadlines, and be a happy team player? Did you get a 5 on your eval? Doubtful right. You probably put forth tons of effort working after hours and not claiming the overtime but still you are rated a 3. Why you ask? The usual response is so that you have something to strive for and they can put this as a goal in your eval. Screw that, you HAVE been striving for that stupid asshat. I don't need goals I need a fricking raise and some recognition. But still you have your three and thankful you even have that in this economy right? So I say if you are rated a three start acting like a three. If your rating doesn't reflect the four or five that you are, you have my permission be a three not a five. Show them what a three looks like. Meet every single one of your expectations but don't you dare exceed it. So in short that is how I choose to live in most aspects of my life. I simply live to meet expectations, due the bare minimum, and to coast through life. So I hope you enjoy the blog. I truly hope I meet your expectations. If I start to exceed them, please let me know. After all I'm only a three.
p.s. My spelling and grammar suck because I'm a three not a five. Deal with it
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