Visualize This...

Visualize this…

I love spinning class. Really, I do love it. It’s a lot of work. It kicks my ass. And the group effort makes it more fun the pounding the elliptical. With that said, I am a three, not a five when it comes to the visualization aspect. A number of instructors will set up different “rides” for each class. One of them is the all terrain ride. This usually entails, some flat road sections, rolling hills, sprints, steep hills, and descents. In short, it is the little taste of everything type of ride. That part I can get behind. Some of the instructors like to do some guided imagery along the way and really want to you to visualize the ride. They will say things like, “look to your left, see the ocean crashing in and feel the wind on your cheek.” Um sorry, I just heard the lady next to me fart, how is that anything like the ocean? Wind was involved but not the kind I want near my cheek. So as a treat to you hear are some of the random things that crept into my brain while in spinning class Monday morning…

“ok, pick up these last few moments on the flat road and really charge that upcoming him”
Hmm all I see ahead of me is my fat ass on a bike, think, think, ooh I see a hill I got it…hmm it smells oddly like bacon in here. Mmm bacon

“push it push it”
I’d like to push you off the imaginary hill I’m biking right now. Unfortunately I can’t even visualize the hill let alone push you off of it

“look for the crest of the hill, pedal toward to sun on the other side”
Wow I will did get a lot of sun this weekend. Crap the weekend is over. Did I get any chores around the house done? I still have all that unpacking to do and I never touched it

“Okay now its time to sprint down the other side”
I’m fat, sprint plus me do not go well together. What’s on the other side…A dunkin donuts? Starbucks? Anything?

“All right up and out of the saddle, standing hill climb up the Pacific Coast highway”
Saddle? My saddle is sore. Standing hill climb is funny, doesn’t really sound like you’re going to get anywhere does it? Hmm what resistance is she at…it looks pretty high up there. God why am I such a lazy tard, she’s twice my age and I can barely survive. Hmmm survivor? When does the next one start? Why is the theme song of Survivor not written by survivor? Survivor rocks my face off. Hmmm I haven’t watched face off in a long time. That really was a good movie. Ooh and I still haven’t seen Transformers yet. How the hell did that happen. Oh yeah Jonathan lost his phone. Still feel bad about that … but one should know where they put their phone…ooh speaking of my phone I’m on call starting tonight…oh shit what am I supposed to be doing right now.

As I look up there I am peddling my ass off and the entire class is cooling down. Apparently the visualization ended at the top of the hill so we could admire the sunrise. Oh well, I’m a three not a five.